Saturday, September 10, 2011

September 11th

Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of 9/11.  It is also Ty's 14th birthday. I do not plan on watching any of the tribute shows.  I don't need too. The images of that day are forever with me.  To this very moment I can not even think about that day without sobbing.  It became a very common question in the days and months after that day.  "Where were you...." I was at work.  In the Fredericksburg site of Capital One.  In a pre-calibration meeting which won't mean much to those not familiar with Capital One.  It was Ty's 4th birthday.  And the first one I had to miss....because of the stupid pre-calibration meeting...which back in 2001 I thought was very important...which I know now wasn't....
One of our trainers interrupted our meeting with the news that something was going on...because of the "important" nature of our meeting we sent her back to her class with the admonition to just continue teaching because nothing was more important than a Customer Service training class at Capital One.  Soon she came back...and told us we really needed to come see....

By this time both the planes have hit the World Trade Center and the Pentagon had been hit.  Fredericksburg is practically a suburb of DC and there were tons of people who worked in F'burg who had family and friends who worked in DC.  The site was in full on panic and soon closed. 

Beth was at home, sick from school.  She was giving me updates.  Joey was at school.  Ty was at his sitter's house.  All I could think was is that I needed to get home. I was in the car driving to the Richmond when the first tower fell.  I was in the cafeteria of Knolls' 1 when the second tower fell. 

In the days following I devoured all information from that day. I read everything and watched everything. And everything made me sad.

Ten years later everything still makes me sad.  I was never one of those that felt any anger or had the need for revenge.  There were people in my life who when they learned of this accused me of not caring or not supporting my country.  I tried to explain that extreme patriotism on either side was dangerous....but they didn't get it.  I never thought we needed to be in Iraq or in Afghan in the grand scale that we are.  But that is just me.  I feel like we have had too many young men and women die needlessly....but that is just me.

Today as we remember the 10th anniversary of 9/11 I have one of my very best friends in Afghan and my son is in Iraq. I love this country and think it is the best place to live.  I also think what the terrorists tried to do in 2001 is fast becoming what we are doing to ourselves today.  We are destroying ourselves with our divisiveness. We are becoming less like the America that the terrorists hate us for and more like them.  Our intolerance of others and blatant in-fighting is doing to us what they never is destroying us.

On 9/11/2001 we came together as a country.  It is time to do it again.  We are the greatest country there is....and the reason that we are is summed up in three simple words...."We the People".....not we some of the people...or we the white people...or we the straight people but 'WE THE PEOPLE".  And the people are not the members of Congress.  It is not the President of the United States. IT IS ALL OF US! And we need to start working together....not against each other. And if we don't our biggest worry will not be another terrorist attack. It will be us destroying us....

Monday, August 15, 2011

Starting at the beginning (Originally posted on Monday, June 6, 2011)

I was born a poor black child…oh wait that is Steve Martin….not me….I was born a poor white girl…I was the first of five girls to be born to parents who were too young and too ill-equipped to be parents.  But then again isn’t that the story of just about everybody.  I have hardly any memories from my early years.  We lived in Petersburg before Petersburg was Petersburg.  If I HAD to I could probably find our house on Mulberry St but that is due more to my superior directional abilities than my memory.  I went to Walnut Hill Elementary.  I have absolutely no memory of any of my teachers…I have some of my report cards so I can tell you their names.  But I can’t tell you if they were any good or not.  What I remember most from these early days is that there was always a ton of children around all the time!! There were 5 of us and my mom watched other people kids and all the neighborhood kids would have to come to our yard because the over-protective mom wouldn’t let us leave the yard…we were not allowed to be in the house but we couldn’t leave the yard either! So at any given time we are looking at 10-15 children just hanging out.  An inevitably I was the oldest or the most mature.  So my ‘mothering” skills were ingrained in me from an early start.  Catty-cornered to us lived the Smiths – Laurie and Karen and CJ – what was cool about the Smiths was that their parents both worked so they seemed so cool because they could pretty much do whatever they wanted.  A few houses down was Robbie and Cole…they didn’t get to leave their yard much either so they had to watch all the kids play down at our house.  I always felt sad for them.  Around the corner were the Meadows.  They were Korean/American.  And JR was my first boyfriend.  He was older than me – probably 14 to my 10….basically our “dates” consisted of walking from his house to my house with the twins in their double stroller.  I think we kissed maybe twice. Life was simple.  There was school and during the summers there was play.  We were put out the house as soon as we woke up and were let in when it got dark.  Lunch was served on the back porch….sandwiches and a jug of kool-aid. Even when it was raining we seemed to be outside.  Sundays we went to church.  Pretty much whatever church bus came through the neighborhood first that is where we went.  I remember one of them was Baptist…another time there was a Church of Christ.  I don’t remember being very in awe of church.  I don’t remember being impressed by it.  It was just something to do on Sunday morning.  At this point I don’t remember my mom going to church or being religious…that would come later.  I don’t remember much about my dad during this time either.  He was working and if the drinking had started it wasn’t obvious to me as a 10 year old. 

Every weekend and every summer from the time I can remember I spent with my maternal grandma and granddaddy.  She was so very different from my mom.  My mom was quiet and shy to the point of being practically paralyzed.  She didn’t talk to people she didn’t know. She really never said much and always seemed to fade into the woodwork.  My grandma was loud! She talked to everybody.  She yelled, she cried, you knew exactly what she was thinking.  She was the oldest of a very large German Catholic family.  She never learned to drive so she was reliant on others taking her places.  She wasn’t well-educated but I always remember her seeming to know bunches of stuff.  She loved to fish. Loved to play Bingo.  And she was a great cook.  She watched TV, she read romance novels.  Everything opposite to my mom.  She was the one who took us on our vacations.  Nags Head two or three times a summer.  We went to Orlando.  We went to Mississippi once.  We would go to the Chesapeake Bay Bridge pier and fish all night.  Life was good at this time.  My granddaddy was a simple man.  He also was an alcoholic.  However I wouldn’t know this until years later.  They also fought all the time.  All the time! If she said the sky was blue he would have to say it was gray.  At the time it just seemed normal and I preferred it to my parents’ relationship where my dad would say mean things to my mom and she would just let it go.
The defining moments of the time were first and foremost when the twins were born.  I was 10 and it had been 6 years since she had had a baby…one would assume that she was done.  I remember how HUGE she got while pregnant.  And how her doctor kept insisting that she was having a boy….a big boy! I remember my dad picking us up from school after she had them and telling us she had twin girls.  And I remember not believing him at all! That was kind of our established relationship….I was always very critical of everything he had to say.  It wasn’t until my grandma verified it that I believed him. And with that the dynamics of the house changed.  There was all of a sudden 2 different groups.  There were the older two kids who were capable of taking care of themselves at 10 and 8 and the younger 3 kids who were not….these trend would continue to this day.  The twins seemed to never stop crying.  They developed an unnatural attachment to mom…or maybe it was the other way around.  She could not leave the room without them crying.  It annoyed me to no end.  Even at 10 I was critical of her parenting skills...once again a trend that continues to today.  The other event I remember the most was when I was made the main caretaker for my granddaddy who had really bad cataracts and was awaiting surgery. He was losing his vision pretty bad and for some reason my parents thought it was best that he not be alone while my grandma was away and the best possible choice was to take me all of 10 years old over to spend the night with him.  At this time he lived on a farm in Petersburg in a great big white farmhouse that was a great place to be in the daylight but at night it took on that spooky farmhouse persona.  So here I am getting dropped off by my dad, who I am pretty sure did not stop the car all the way.  Everything was fine until the sun went down.  Remember I told you Granddaddy was an alcoholic even though it was unknown to me at the time, looking back it explains a lot.  When you combine someone whose vision is going cloudy with cataracts with whiskey well you are looking at a recipe for disaster.  As the night wore on he was getting more and more “blind” and more and more hysterical.  And I was trying very hard to keep it together.  I remember at one point saying if we just went to bed it wouldn’t matter whether or not he could see! I was logical beyond my years.  At some point in the night a call was made, I can’t remember if he called or if I did but somehow my dad showed back up.  Of course he yelled at me for “not taking care of your granddaddy”! But by this age I was very close to realizing that both of my parents were dumb as bricks and that leaving me with this responsibility was a very bad idea destined to fail so it didn’t matter.  He took me home and my granddaddy to the hospital and all was well that ends well. 
So this was my life until age 10.  More random memories follow as such:
This was the time before much thought was given to vehicle safety and kids.  We had a green station wagon.  The twins would roll around in the back of it pretty much.
I was really good at kick the can but not so much at red rover
My mother “taught” me to ride a bike by making me get on one and pushing me down a hill….the gate at the bottom stopped me.
My sister Shannon fell a lot! And got in trouble for falling a lot!
My dad taught us to play poker and we bet with real pennies.  He let us keep them if we won but most of the time at this age we lost.  We also had to “call our hand” and play what we called.
I think the reason why I never have to pee on trips is because there was a lot of pulling to the side of the road and peeing in the bushes at this time….or in a bucket…and I was doing neither!
Summers were spent shucking corn and snapping green beans….and eating homemade ice cream.
Holidays, birthdays and Sunday dinners were a big deal.
Kids could buy cigarettes; my mom would send me in the store to buy them for her.  You could also smoke everywhere even in grocery stores.
My dad thought it would be a good idea to take us to see Jaws
Every Sunday during football season I would watch football with my dad – he hated the Redskins.  A Skins fan was bornJ

More beginnings..The Lost years part one (Originally posted Friday, June 17, 2011)

So to continue on with the story of my beginning we have moved into the years of 5th-7th grade.  I am calling these the lost years because I do not have very good recollection of these years...part one is because there will be other years that I do not have good recollection of either.  As Petersburg began to "decline" my "concerned" father made the decision to move.  This decision would have a greater impact that what could have been known at the time later on down the road.  You see up until this time we were not poor...while not well of we could have been thought of as lower middle class. I don't recall ever being hungry or not having the stuff we wanted through these years.  That was to come later.  My dad put our house on Mulberry St in Petersburg up for sale and we moved to Colonial Heights.  I do not recall the name of the street but I remember where it is located.  It was a nice house in a nice neighborhood.  I recall it having 4 bedrooms, a really nice screened in patio, a greenhouse(!), and a really nice front porch.  The best part of the house was that I got my own room....even better was that my room used to be a car port so it set off from the rest of the house....I was away from everybody and I loved it!  Funny how life goes.  Anybody who knows me now knows how much I hate to be alone....hate, hate, hate it...but back then I loved it! Much like Ty I spent hours in my room alone...I would read or write or just daydream.  I am not sure when I lost this ability or why.  Maybe through this journey I will remember and possibly be able to recapture that quality about myself. 

Like I said at the beginning I do not recall much about the three years we lived in Colonial Heights.  I went to Tussing Elementary for 5th grade and then to Colonial Heights Jr High School (what middle school was called back in the day) for 6th and 7th.  I remember this was the beginning of me feeling like an outsider.  Back in those days families didn't move around like they do today.  Kids started school and finished school with the same group of kids.  So coming in at 5th grade was rough.  Relationships have already been established.  I do not remember making any friends during this time. I remember on the street we lived on there was 2 other houses with kids.  I remember going over there to play but I can not recall any names.  The house behind us had a boy named Alex who loved KISS and had a crush on Shannon.  

Some free association thoughts of this time include:

We had a skateboard and roller skates and a lot of concrete....I don't remember being good at either one.  Shannon was better but she still fell a LOT.
My mom was still watching kids.  There were these 2 girls that I remember most...Misty and Alisha - sisters who did not look anything alike.
We went to this big Baptist church right around the corner. We were baptized there. Not sure why.
I had the Grease OST on vinyl and played it constantly

The significance of this time was that while we were living in the nice house in CH the house in Petersburg would not sell.  So eventually we lost the house both the house in Petersburg and the nice house in CH - this would set up the future level of poverty to come....more on that in the next chapter! 

Taking ownership, forgiveness and moving on... (Originally posted on Saturday, July 9, 2011)

Being able to speak publicly on things in this age of technology also means that one loses a bit of privacy.  Conversations online that you think are only between you and those you would like to actually be having a conversation with is not always the case.  In using words and liking words and finding enjoyment with sharing those words with others also comes with responsibility of what happens when those words get out into the world.  And if your words hurt someone else's feelings - even if that was never the intention then one must take ownership of those words.  I am sorry if my words hurt someone in my attempt to make myself feel better about a crappy situation.

Forgiveness is a funny is always more about the person that gives the forgiveness than the person being forgiven.  And forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting.  It just means you are letting go of the hurt feelings that are holding you back.  You can forgive a person and never ever talk to that person again.  Forgiveness is an internal thing and has nothing to do with the other person at all.  Some people forgive easily and for others it is a lifetime struggle.  But for all it is necessary for peace.  And I am truly at peace...

Moving on can be hard.  Holding on to the past is easy but it doesn't serve any purpose.  Moving on can be helped by many different activities.  Changing your location, changing your decor, meeting new people and spending time with those in your life that encourage you to be a better person.  It is hampered by revisiting past events or experiences that keep you stuck in place. It doesn't do any good to stay sad or to be angry.  Moving on involves accepting that the old way of life is over and that a new life must me forged out of nothing that is familiar.  Moving on is freeing and wonderful and scary all at the same time....And I have moved on.

Father's Day thoughts and such (Originally posted Sunday, June 19, 2011)

This one is going to be a downer...I am warning you now so that you have the opportunity to jump ship if you here goes.

As some of you know the boys' father passed away in Feb 2005.  Since then Father's Day has taken a turn.  I can't imagine what it must be like for them to not have a dad.  My dad God bless him is still alive and kicking.  I always wonder what they are thinking about on this day but too afraid to ask because the last thing I want to do is too upset them and then I worry that maybe this is the wrong thing to do...I live in a constant state of "what should I do" when it comes to this topic.  Like I said I have no idea what it is like so I don't know what to do.  We spent this morning with Jay's dad Grandpa John.  He is a really good man. Jay was his only child.  I can not fathom what today must be like for him.  Hopefully I will never know what it is like to lose a child. It is entirely possible that could be the one thing I could never recover from.

So every year since as some of you moms' know at the end of school they always make Father's Day stuff.  This year Jaden came home with a card that had "coupons" in it for washing Dad's car.  I just wonder what he was thinking when he made it.  Last year he told me he gave the card he made to his friend to give to his dad..who he had never met. 

I never imagined in a million years that I would be doing this alone.  And most of the time I wonder what kind of job am I really doing.  As some of you also know my kids are mixed and am I doing a good enough job of bringing up not only boys but boys of color.  Considering they are surrounded by mostly women...white women at that....lesbian white women as well I just don't know.  I am trying my best...hopefully that counts for something.

I am thankful that I personally know some great dads out there.  And I hope this day was great! And for all those out there whose dads are still around I hope you took a moment to appreciate what you have...and for those who's dads have passed on my thoughts are with you on this day. 

Happy Father's Day!

The TV Edition (Originally posted on Sunday, June 26, 2011)

As some of you know I watched a lot of TV during the season.  At any given time my DVR is overflowing and I have shows on most days of the week.  As summer sets in and my DVR is now close to empty I thought it would be a good idea to look back at the 2010-2011 season and share my thoughts and hand out some awards.  So here goes:

I had six shows that I watched on a regular basis cancelled. Five of them were new ones and one old one.  The one I will miss the most is The Event.  I thought it showed promise and it had me hooked. It also did not tie up the loose ends and that always bothers me.  The Chicago Code was also very good but it ended the season with everything wrapped up so I can live with that.  The Defenders was a great "treadmill" show and I am sad to see it go as well.

In addition to the five new shows that were cancelled I had five new shows that will be returning next year.  My favorite of the bunch would be Blue Bloods.  I was late starting to watch it but once I started I really liked it.  Second would be Harry's Law. 

Five comedies are on my list.  It is hard to pick a favorite because all of them were really good this year.  Most weeks it was Modern Family that made me laugh the most.  If not that one then The Big Bang Theory did.  I loved Cougar Town because well I am Jules.  And Raising Hope was a great new addition.  I will have to say this season's HIMYM made cry more than laugh but it was still good.  I tried several new comedies this year but none of them stuck except for Raising Hope. I also stopped watching Two and a Half Men this year having grown tired of the same old shtick.

Hands down the best season finale was Castle.  It was full of surprises and suspense and ended with a bang.  I thought Bones was a little off this year. Glee had its ups and downs but the "Funereal" episode was the best episode of any show this season.  House was uneven as well.  Parenthood wins for the show I most lost interest in.  I am not sure why.  I didn't tape the last three episodes and I haven't gone looking for them. 

The Walking Dead and The Killing were the two best non-network shows I watched.  I highly recommend them both.

Which leads me to my favorite show of the season....The Good Wife.  It consistently was excellent.  The writing is great, the actors are great, and the storylines keep me interested.  The last few episodes were off the chart good and it ended the season well.  If you are not watching I urge you to catch up on it over the summer.  You will not be disappointed!

Feel free to share your thoughts of the last year's season:)

My Commencement Speech (Originally posted on Tuesday, June 14, 2011)

If I am ever asked to speak at a graduation ceremony my speech would go something like this...

Wake up every day and make good decisions.  Go to bed every night with no regrets.  Treat all people with respect and kindness.  Remember that the choices you make today will impact your future in ways that are impossible to comprehend at the moment.  Keep in mind that these are NOT the best years of your life and nobody on their 20th high school reunion wants to be that person who peaked in high school.  As you leave your childhood behind and make the initial steps into adulthood you have the opportunity to completely own your destiny.  No matter what kind of childhood you had, what kind of parents you had, how you were treated in high school that door is closed...what door you open next is completely up to you.  Decide who you want to be and go be it. 

What no one ever tells you about motherhood...part one (Originally posted Wednesday, June 8, 2011)

I have been a mother for 24 years.  Which means I have had to be around other mothers for 24 years.  It didn't take me long to figure out that I was not like the other mothers.  While I listened to them blab on and on about how wonderful it was to be a mom and how it was full of butterflies and sunshine I really wanted to punch them right in the face...especially when they were telling these tales to women who didn't have children....lies...all lies I tell you! At some point in history it appears we women made some kind of pact which each other to only talk about the joy of motherhood...most likely it was perpetuated by some male afraid the human race would die off if mothers dared speak the truth....well enough is enough....I have decided it is my responsibility to set the record straight and let everyone know the reality of motherhood. 

There are a lot of things I hate about being a mom! Now before you gasp and look at me disapprovingly let me say I love my children to death...this isn't really about them.  It is about the things I hate about being a mom.  And I would bet that all you moms out there have a list of things you hate too. You are just afraid to speak up because society has told you not too.   Well I am saying no more! Let's be honest about it. And here is my list of things I hate:

I hate puke. HATE HATE HATE IT! It is gross and disgusting. And children are freaking vomit factories incapable of hitting the toilet! There is a LOT of puke with kids.  And please do not let anyone tell you that it is different when it is your child...LIAR! Puke is puke! It doesn't matter who is spewing it! So before you make that leap into motherhood think about your ability to handle puke!

I hate not being able to go to sleep when I want too! Think about this one hard! It is 10pm, you have been awake since 6am going non-stop! You are about to COLLAPSE! Unfortunately Jr has about two more hours in him! You are SCREWED! When you have children your sleep patterns are not your own. Your rest is completely determined by someone else! Are you prepared for that?

I hate not being able to attend events that I want too.  Sounds completely selfish I know but I hate it! I will admit that I am luckier than most but on occasion I have to turn down something I really really really want to do! And it is not fair! Do I not work hard? Do I not take care of these people and feed these people and what do these people do? Keep me from doing something I want to do! The nerve of them!

I hate that there are TOYS everywhere! Toys R Us is not my decor! My decor is simple and elegant and sparse. What the hell am I doing living in the toy aisle at Wal-Mart? And before all you "no-kids" people speak up and "My kids would always put there toys away - my decor won"t change". I say HA! Go ahead and live in your little fantasy world.  From the time that itty bitty baby comes home from the hospital your house will never be your own again.  Kids have stuff...lots of stuff...and their stuff will completely overtake your stuff! Kinda like Spanish moss!

So this is my list...feel free to share is okay to say it are in good company here:)

Random Ramblings....Part One (Originally posted on Tuesday, June 7, 2011)

On occasion as on nights like tonight when even though I have 2 million shows in my DVR that I could be watching but do not feel like watching you will be treated to one I would like to call random associating thoughts that just flow from my brain like water...well in my case like here we go:

It drives me CRAZY when my Food Lion only has one lane open...and it is the express lane...what moron can NOT see the problem in that logic.  If you only have one cashier...which I can understand why oh why would you put them on the express lane...can you not see how this is way too inclusive.  If you only have one cashier and one lane wouldn't you want that lane to welcome everybody?

I dislike beets...I don't know why I just do...and eggplant...and also liver...I am also not a big fan of pizza.

I can only eat all-beef hot dogs...the other kinds make me break out.

I have been drinking coffee since I was 10 years old....but I still won't let Ty or Jaden have caffeine

I have never met a cheese I haven't liked

I am easily bored and not easy to entertain

I am most definitely a square peg

I hate reality TV

I am pretty sure I am going to die from a stroke

I would rather be outside than inside on most occasions

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

"Your radar is busted"

One of the many things that I learned in my $75 per hour therapy sessions is that when it comes to guys I have a broken radar.  Basically I was told that if I consider a guy "my type" I should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES date him.  She is probably right. For the past few years...okay if I have to be honest with myself forever... my type has been some combination of young, hot, stupid and poor.  In pretty much all of the relationships one of the four have been my last one I hit the quadfecta! So I have been trying really hard in this latest go around of dating to date outside my type.  The only problem is that I seem to only attract two types......the over 50 crowd who look like they have never ever had a woman in their lives and the under 28 crowd who start their message off with some form of "Hey do you want to be my cougar"  (seriously a few have actually said that).  So I have been trying to do things different this time.  Today I had lunch and dinner with two age appropriate men who have real jobs, kids and a fairly large vocabulary.  So how did they go? Hmmmmm.....well the lunch one went better than the dinner one but both were very nice.  And here is where my broken radar comes in.....I didn't leave either meeting thinking "OMG I want to have sex with him like right now!" I left thinking ok...he is nice....that was a nice evening. But he isn't my "type".  And it has made me think about what makes me think this way.  Part of the problem I think is that I don't think I am pretty.  On the inside I am still the geeky, ugly girl in high school who didn't get asked to the prom. So when the hot guy wants me it makes me feel "special" instead of thinking "yeah why shouldn't he want me I am freaking awesome".  But in my stunted way of thinking the "star football player" wants me....the only problem with this is once we are vertical I quickly realize that the star football player is stupid with a capital STU.  And spending any amount of quality time with him outside of the bedroom is like fingernails on chalkboard.  So I am always caught in a quandary...I am shallow enough to want hot and smart enough to be miserable when I get it.  So what is a girl to do....I know I could be patient and have faith that if I give it enough time I will find the right balance of hotness and smartness that will fit perfectly in my life....but patience is not a virtue of mine.  I haven't thrown in the towel yet. I will continue to search out men outside my type while still playing with the hotties for my amusement.  And I will hold out hope that in the end things will work out in my favor.  In the meantime hopefully I am bringing you all some small amount of amusement:)

Monday, August 8, 2011

Poetry in Moments of Despair

I used to write poetry all the time....when I was sad.  Nothing comes to me anymore.  Not in poetry form anyways.  And my poems have to verse just doesn't seem like poetry to me.  Poetry has a rhythm to it.  If not it is just a story.  Here are some of my favorites:

This wasn't written for my recent was for the one before...sad how it fit the second one as least I am consistent in my bad choices

After the talk
Who am i
Am i quiet and shy
He wants to know
Maybe high or low

The little brother they all wish they had
Not quite happy, not quite sad
Or the sexy and cute boy
Pain mingled in with the joy

Not really knowing what he wants to be
Out in the distance there is she
Him filling the void with one night stands
Her offering her heart, putting out her hands

She wants to make it all right
They go through one more lonely night
He won't admit there is anything wrong
This has been going on for so long

She wants this to be so badly
To love him truly, deeply, madly
He hopes his silence is getting through
He knows what he must do

Her hope keeps her sad
Her dreams are destined to be bad
He wants to love anyone but she
He just wants to be

Is there anyway to work this out
Dispel all the fear and doubt
Can she care less, him a little more
Decide for once to open or shut the door

Insanity was my friend for awhile.  Sometimes it is hard to remember how dark I got. Sometimes it is good to remember so that I don't ever go there again

The struggle

Lost little girl with the pretty eyes
With the sound of silence she cries
Struggling once again with the fight
“Why can’t this ever be right?”

Trying so hard with happiness inked on her back
But still soon the demons come to attack
Calling her “the bitch” and “the cunt”
The spider of death they place on her front

Fighting hard against the dark power
Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour
Angels of light trying in vain
Is there any hope in her staying sane?

This one is my favorite.  Not sure why but it is...Eventually I helped myself...that was the lesson learned.  No one else can save you.


The attack is coming fast
So much more than in the past
Darkness descending down on me
Black and gray is all I see
Reaching out for a hand
So tired I can no longer stand
The one I want most to help does not care
Knowing this is too much to bear
Can’t you pretend for just a little longer
Stay with me until I am a stronger
Help dry the tears that I shed
Provide the strength to get me out of bed
Talk me down from the ledge
Push me back from the edge
Keep all the monsters away
If not there is nothing left for me to say

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Swimming with fishes...Part Two - Profile 101

I have come to the conclusion during my time spent perusing the online profiles that guys post to the dating sites that there is a huge untapped market.  Most guys seriously need help with their profiles.  A lot of them look like they spent as much time on them as they did picking out what underwear they were going to wear today.  And if you know anything about straight men their underwear decision is basically made up of two choices..."is it clean or is it dirty?" Let's take a look at some of the common missteps made with online profiles.

The picture:

I will admit I am shallow. While I pause for a moment while you get over your shock I got to admit that if I do not like your picture I am not going to read your profile let alone contact you.  Yes I know beauty is only skin deep but dear God ugly is to the bone! The first type of profile picture that I hate is the "in the bathroom mirror taken with the cell phone" picture.  You get extra points if the picture is of you shirtless in the bathroom mirror.  These pictures always make me ask myself "do these people not have any friends that would take the picture for them?" or a real camera? It just screams of last minute desperation.  Let me get this profile online quick and it doesn't matter if I don't have a good picture on hand...I will just go in the bathroom and take one.  Extra points if the bathroom is particulary dirty.  Extra extra points if the bathroom is girly!

The next profile picture that I hate is the one I call "the mug shot".  In this one the guy is snarling at the camera.  No smile, no hint of personaility, no nothing. Yeah that is going to get me to say "I would love to spend time with him! He looks like a lot of fun" NOT!

Next isn't so much the picture but those unfortunate types that no matter what they do they look like serial killers.  You know the type.  They might be the nicest person on the planet but they take unfortunate pictures.  And it doesn't help that most of them are in plaid shirts.  Or baseball hats.  Or in a yard with a bunch of broken down vehicles.  Sadness all around.

Up next is the pictures with another girl.  Now granted this girl might be a sister or maybe just a friend.  But most women I know are jealous bitches at heart.  And we are not going to to start something new with someone who just possibly has something else going on. Although the picture with the girl still in it is much better than the pictures where you can tell someone has been cropped out.  Or they have used the eraser function and just airbrushed them out...really?

Last on my list are the profile pictures that a guy takes with his kids.  I know that this is his attempt to show that he is a good dad.  But it fails with me,  You have now put a picture of your kids on a site where any crazy stalker type can see.  It doesn't make you look like a good dad to me....
So what kind of pictures do I like? Pictures where you are smiling, doing something besides sitting in a chair in front of a webcam.  Pictures that show you actually have a life...and friends who are willing to take your picture every now and then!

Once I get past picture now it is onto the actual profile.  Let's see what you have to say.  Here are some things that I can't get past when it comes to the profile.

ALL CAPS - yes there are some people who use all caps their entire profile.  I skip right over them. Please don't shout at me.

Misspellings - dear God I hate these.  I don't care how cute you are if your profile is full of misspellings or if you typed it in text-ese I just can't do it.

Too many God references- I know I am not a good Christian woman.  I also know that someone who praises the Lord on POF is probably going to have issues with my lifestyle.  So I will just take a pass.

Not enough information - while I don't need a book I would like to think that you took more time on the profile than once again picking out your underwear.
What do I like in the profile - good grammar and spelling.  References to some of your favorite things to see if we have anything in common.  What you are looking for in a relationship and in a girl.

Given that I think it is important to note that not all people are truthful in their profiles.  I don't understand the point in this at all.  Isn't it wasting your time to make yourself out to be something you are not.  If there is someone for everybody why not describe who you are and what you are looking for rather than false advertising?

Coming soon....real life examples of some of the online conversations I have had:)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Swimming with fishes - Part One The Introduction

As some of you know I have dabbled in online dating in the past.  I have been getting back into it and I thought it would be fun to drag...I mean take you along with me.  Now some of you may be thinking "how desperately sad of you Tracy"...and to this I say two things....first "DON'T JUDGE".....and second I say hear me out on this.  I know I am not going to find "the one" online...yeah I know is pushing the whole 1 in 5 thing but I don't believe it is going to happen for me...I also don't believe I am going to find "the one" laying in my bed drinking a martini either.  I do believe that life is made up of interconnections and that fate plays a big part in meeting "the one" so it is entirely possible that an interaction began online can lead to something else.  And even if it doesn't I am pretty sure that my adventures will lead to some great stories.  And isn't that what life is all about....great stories?

I want to take a moment right now to say I have met some really cool people on the dating sites.  One person in particular has been a great friend for a very long time! So even if things don't work out for me romantically there is always the possibility that I will meet new friends.  And new friends are always cool!

My first foray into the dating sites was very different from my experiences today.  Back in 2003 when I first joined Match and Yahoo I was a broken soul.  My self-esteem was lower than low.  My husband had left me for another girl and I was feeling completely unattractive and unlovable.  So I was craving attention.  And I got attention! That person back then is nothing like the person today.  I spent hours online talking dirty, texting dirty, webcamming dirty....basically pimping myself out.  I dumbed down all my conversations...I was careful not to use any big words or literary references.  I said LOL a lot....even when it wasn't LOL-worthy.  I would meet anyone who wanted to meet me.  And unfortunately I would have sex with anyone who wanted to have sex with me...which was pretty much everyone who wanted to meet me....and I learned a valuable lesson.  Guys like to have sex (unlike Bill Clinton I am including getting their dick sucked here too) At the time my poor broken soul thought that if they wanted to have sex with me it must mean they liked didn't.  Men are simple creatures...if they want to have sex with you it means that they want to have sex with you....girls should learn this at an early age.  It would save us all a lot of heartache. I got off the online crazy train for better or worse when I met my ex there.  That is another story for another day however.

This time around my online dating experience is ENTIRELY different.  For one thing I am no longer a broken soul.  I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not just so some poor dude on an online site will like me....I have enough people in my life that like me all ready...I don't really need that anymore.  Second I know that wanting to have sex with me is just that...I am also aware that a lot of people want to have sex with me.  I am not trying to sound is what it is.  Most women have this power and don't realize it. And it can be very empowering once you do.  I have a pair of thongs that read "She who has the pussy rules the world" and it is kinda true. We have what the boys want.  And what we do with it is entirely up to us.  So this time around I am not interested in the hookups or one night stands because I know I can have that if I want.  With knowledge comes power! I have also realized that with age the filter that stops the thoughts in my head from coming out of my mouth is not as quick as it used to be.  So I am fast to call bullshit when I hear it.  Needless to say the guy who contacts me is not going to get the shy polite girl who wants everybody to like her anymore. 

So with this post I begin a series of me and my adventures online.  Hopefully you will find it funny.  For those girls who are also going through it too hopefully I can help you navigate the fishy waters.  And for you guys out there who are also online maybe I can help you out a little:) I am not trying to be mean or hurtful.  I am just telling things like they are...I don't tend to hold things back so it is possible that during this series there might be more information than some of you want to know....if so then don't read it.  My purpose is to entertain you.  So here we go....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Monkeys do it in China!!

As a follow up to my earlier post I describe to you how a relatively simple task to others became a moment in the life of tragically charmed me...

If you have been following my story you know that 3 1/2 months ago I broke up with the EX. As some of you also know I have been hearing from him on an almost daily basis since about 2 weeks into the breakup.  What many of you don't know is that when he left he left almost all his things at my house.  Everything has been taking care of except for three bags of stuff that was in my shed....until today.

As part of the daily communications from the EX the last several weeks he had made inquiries into what exactly was in the bags he left.  I decided that I was tired of him having a reason to contact me so it was time to do something about the bags.  Now I know there are a few of you out there whose first thought is "WOMAN! Why the hell don't you just throw the damn bags away?" And yes that thought did occur to me.  But some of the stuff in the bags is what I like to call "keepsakes" - a family bible, yearbooks, pictures of family.  And being the good person I am and a person that sooner or later (hopefully this Fall) is going to call upon God for some help and I would like to be able to remind Him of my good deeds. (This is made all the more important with Atlantic City looming ahead) So with the help of the sister who is currently living with me I dragged the bags up to my room to sort out the junk from the keepsakes.  Now 85% of it got trashed but there was enough stuff in there that I decided that I would ship it to him.  Here is where the fun begins....

So the first thing that I needed was a box.  And I also needed to do it right away before my inertia set in.  So I decided to go buy at FedEx...simple enough task.  I was met by a nice FedEx lady who was gracious enough to inform me that if I brought in whatever I was shipping they would be happy to pack it for me....Ummmm...HELL NO! I was not ready for the embarrassment of dragging a bag full of my ex's stuff into FedEx for the world to see...I will just take the box home and pack it myself.  So I bought a $3 box...happy with my purchase I made my way home. 

I am not sure if anyone out there has ever bought a box before but it doesn't come as a "box".  It is flat.  Not box-like at all.  But I wasn't worried.  Surely somewhere on this flat piece of cardboard there had to be instructions that would turn this into what I needed...a box. instructions! My first thought was "WHO THE HELL SELLS A BOX WITHOUT INSTRUCTIONS!" My second thought "Let's text the wise sister...she will know what to do!" Here verbatim is the text the wise sister sent back...."OMG...How hard can it be....monkeys do it in China!!!"...Great so now I have been told that I am stupider than a monkey!! I DO NOT NEED THIS! So my next thought was "I need a lesbian!" which is pretty much my thought whenever faced with a task I do not want to do.  So I sent a text to the lesbian sister who is not very busy.  Of course that lesbian sister also happens to be the lesbian sister who sleeps til noon.  So that was not useful.  What to do? What to do?  I know....GOOGLE! There has to be instructions out there on how to make a box....if I was really lucky there would be a video!  As often happens at my house and in my life God was kind to me and at the exact moment I sat down to google in walks a former lesbian and her monkey baby thinking today was Wednesday and I needed her to babysit. HALLEFREAKINGLUJAH! If there was anyone on the planet that could put a box together it was HER!! And she did! Task completed! I had a box!

So next I threw all the stuff in the box and was ready to go back to I picked up the here in my story I should let you know that FedEx boxes are made to hold a certain weight depending on the box...and also that tape on the bottom of a box greatly increases the amount of weight a box can hold.  I should also point out that I had bought a box that could safely hold about 20lbs...I also had no tape.  I had packed about 30lbs of stuff.  So you can picture what happened next when I lifted the box off my bed to carry it downstairs...go ahead...picture it...I will pause for a moment.  Yep that is what happened.  The entire bottom gave way and all the stuff fell out all over my floor!  And in that moment I did what all good drama queens do....I sat down in my floor among the mess and SOBBED!

After sobbing for a good five minutes the new voice inside my head spoke up and said "Girl get it will not be defeated!" So what to do next.  So I remembered that the nice FedEx girl said they would pack the stuff for me...and they have to see a lot of weird shit being shipped right? So let's bite the bullet and take the stuff up there and just do this! So I put all the stuff in a green bag, slapped on some sunglasses to hide my puffy eyes, put on a baseball cap so that the next time I have something normal to ship they wouldn't recognize me and grabbed my inefficient box and went back up to FedEx.

The nice girl from before was nowhere to be seen but I was greeted by FedEx church lady...I will explain later why I am calling her this.  She asked how she could help me and I said the first thing that came to my mind "I need to ship this stuff to my ex who left it in my house 3 months ago when he left me for another girl and moved to Texas!"...I am not sure why I said all that.  I could have said anything...but the earlier events had left me unable to think of anything quickly so that was all that I had.  She looked a little taken aback but she quickly recovered and went about helping me.  She took the inefficient box and with a little tape made it work. She then went about packing the stuff up...everything was going fine until she reached for the bubble tape! Bubble tape? Really? Did this woman not understand that this stuff had sat in my shed for over 3 months....that this stuff was always 2 more cocktails away from being a bonfire? And she was bubble taping it!!  So I said to her "You know that really isn't necessary".  That is when she LOVINGLY picked up the family bible and said to me "these things should be packed nicely, it is a family bible" Great! I got the FedEX church lady packing my stuff! I couldn't stop myself..I said "Seriously? This bubble tape isn't costing me more money is it?" She said no....and continued to bubble tape.  And all I could think of was "Fuck! That fucking douchebag is going to think that I actually CARED about his SHIT...I am totally being FUCKED OVER BY THE FEDEX CHURCH LADY!"...Finally it was all packed and taped and addressed.  It cost me $40 to send it.  Best $40 spent in a looooong time.  

Although I do still wish I could have done it my way.....just thrown all the shit in a big heap in a well taped box!....I was totally screwed by that damn box....if only I had a monkey:(

Daily Epiphany for July 12, 2011

There seems to be two types of people in the world.  There is the first type who when they need to go from Point A to Point B they just go and get there...end of story. Nothing remarkable happens, it just is the way it is.  And then there is the second type who when they need to go from Point A to Point B they just go...and all of sudden there are flying monkeys, talking cats and clowns....and not the good sort of clowns but the evil sinister clowns! Everything is an adventure, nothing is simple.  Do I need to tell you what sort of person I am? More of my story to follow.....

Monday, July 11, 2011

Definition of epiphany

  1. sudden realization: a sudden intuitive leap of understanding, especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence
  2. appearance of god: the supposed manifestation of a divine being
I like the phrase "ordinary but striking occurrence" That is how life tends to work...out of the most simpliest things comes the greatest messages.  I am back:)